I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i think my mom watched the whole time
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
