Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
