He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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