On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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