and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
