so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
