phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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