I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
