he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
