I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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