I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
