do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
