Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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