remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
