Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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