He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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