So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
