Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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