Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
my poor anus
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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