Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
