there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
