dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
