Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
