Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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