dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
