you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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