if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
