Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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