Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
