i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I see more hoeing in ur future
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
