ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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