I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
