Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
