I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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