Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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