so explain again why im purple
no
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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