3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
