So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
