Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
