It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
