She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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