My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
