I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
