we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
