I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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