the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So here I am, sexting at work.
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