Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
