I just pynch a tree in the face
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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