I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
