Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
