2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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