after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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