$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
