1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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