A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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